No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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