You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
