me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
