Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
