Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
