I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
