Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
