Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
