My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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