I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
