If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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