even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
