i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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