you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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