I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
