They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i out mim tonsoeep
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
