I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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