had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
