i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
