If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
