I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
