Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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