I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
