This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
