I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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