Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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