What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
