so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i now understand why vodka
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
