Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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