Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
