Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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