Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
