Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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