Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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