We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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