The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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