dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
