I just made out with a guy for $7.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize