If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
