3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
