So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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