im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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