i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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