I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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