You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
