saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i believe in u and ur pee
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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