wakey wakey hands off snakey
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
