Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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