Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
