I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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