i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
