Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
