Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
