Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
