The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
