There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
