She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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